The Price I Pay

I don't know where to start. Everything has been slowly crumbling for months but suddenly I feel like things are crashing through.

Harry knows me too well. He knows better than anyone when I'm lying about something. I hoped that the time apart would have strengthened my mask and yes I can decieve for a while but combined with Violet, they can read me like a book.

They have power over me because they can see through me. I don't like trusting people with anything. I hate people. I am afriad of them.

And I am fading from reality. I actually don't care to hide anymore. I'm just...letting time take me wherever.

I am too tired for this.

Goodnight.....

Just me

Dream World

Perhaps I am spinning out of control again and I'm just too out of it to really care? I don't feel like I'm really here. I have no emotion. No feelings. It's like I have no soul. It's weird how I am just going with the flow of things. Things that SHOULD bother me greatly, but don't. Things that SHOULD make me happy but I don't react. Things that SHOULD make me angry...but don't. It's so weird.

Everything that SHOULD be makes me feel everything I shouldn't.

Am I going to wake up from this? 'Casue if you wanna get real honest...it's scaring the shit out of me.

It's like
I suddenly...

Just
Don't
Care
About ANYTHING
Anymore

Everyone I know seems to be looking inside themselves and finding out who they really are. I thought that I had already done this. I thought I already knew. But suddenly...I can't take anymore. I am not strong enough to face myself, much less anyone else.

I'm kind of slipping off an edge. I think I sort of kind of need help? But I don't want it at the same time.

I just don't care...

Just me

Well...

I'm on steadier ground. Today wasn't so bad. Saphire is back home for summer and I feel like my old self again. It's better with her around, even though she can be annoying (Love you Saph, don't get mad--you already know this).

I was okay...until I read some things I probably shouldn't have and wish I didn't. I guess, I asked for it. And it's not like I haven't been there before. An eye for an eye. It doesn't help though that my "friends" don't get it and publicly post on facebook that I slipped a little. Sorry, my mind is a little topsy turvey sometimes.

By the way, the choices I make may not be the right ones. But they are mine. No one Else's. Unless they exist in my head. But no one can see those voices. Therefore, it's all me. I'm not perfect.

I'm working on accepting myself. Let me make my mistakes. I promise I'll pick myself up again if I slip.

I'm slipping into one of my creative mindsets. Poetic in fact. My emotional side.

I know its confusing
And I know it's a lot
Just listen...

Just once
And try to understand
Before I let go of your hand

Don't worry about me
For any attempts
That I seek to try
Will fail
Because I internally
I do not want to die
Or trade in this life
For something harsher
For something darker
If I am not dead yet I feel
That it's because I'm not ready
To face whats on the other side
I'm here to learn the lessons of life
And it's not my life to take
Which I suppose means
That I must deal with my mistakes

And I know I'll fall
Repeatedly
But I've been here
I've done this
And I'm not ready to lose my footing
I just got up again
Don't make me fall
At least not now

I'm calmer today
But who knows if the feeling will stay
Its all up in the air
And fate is relying on you
Will you stay
Or will you go

In my past theres nothing new
I'm no longer hiding anything from you
I'll go back to who I used to be
As long as you will love me for being Just me


Sigh...I don't know what's going on anymore. But whatever happens I WILL learn to accept it with open arms. I cannot resent my past anymore. I cannot stay in this place of ruin. It's time to renovate my hippocampus. (Yes I just said that)

Everything should go back to as it should be.
But I guess it is exactly as it should be now
If that is so why does it feel so wrong
Why do I feel like I no longer belong
Once again...my time has come
I guess they want me to move on

And I will
Once I get my heart back
Once I get my mind back on track
I wake up an empty shell
Living each day in my own little hell
My demons, their fire
I fill up my heart each day with light
Taking nothing for granted but losing it each night

I don't know what I need
But I know what I want
I'm afraid of asking for a thing
I'm afraid it's too much

I'm just like any other human
I suffer inside myself
I feel love
I feel hate
I don't know which one is stronger
I feel anger
I feel sadness
I don't know which one lasts longer
I feel happiness
I feel fear
I don't know how we get by
I feel the weakness
I feel need
I don't know for what or why

But I'm here and I'm human
Somewhere inside there's a heart
And it beats everyday
And it cries every night
But it gets me by
And I'm thankful for this life
Through the pain
And through the fear
Through the sorrow
And through the tears
There's got to be happiness somewhere
And I'm going there
To find it
And leaving this shit
Perhaps that's what it is I need
A fresh new start
The question is...can I really leave?

<3 Always
Just Me

Things just go from bad to worse

Conversation with me and a friend:

J: Why were you looking at me all wide-eyed and staring at me?
Me: When?
J: When we hung out.
Me: I...really have NO idea...
J: Did they try anything? You were spacing out quite a bit too.
Me: I...don't remember

That seems to be my theme lately. "I don't remember." I'm fading away--for real this time. I'm tired of people telling me it'll be okay. It doesn't feel like it.

And if you want the honest truth? I'm scared to death.

I'm racing down and empty highway
Every move I make is mine
Each direction is my way

I can't stop the changes of time
I can only ebb and flow
With the never-ending tide

How can I stay and grow
In this place that I can't belong
How can I say anything is mine when it isn't so?

Everything that was right is wrong
Nothing lasts here
But the ruins of a broken song

Consumed in my fear
Of forever fading away
I can't even cry; not even one last tear

And I'm racing down an empty highway
Every move I make is mine
Each direction is my way

Free Verse

I know who my real friends are

I don't need anymore make believe.
I'm not stupid as I seem.
You seem to think that I'm naive.
Just wait and see
Wait and see
You can't control me.
There is only one person I can be.
If you can't accept that
Then we have nothing here
We'll have nothing here
If you keep acting immature
I need to break away and fly
Far away before I die

I'll wait in silence until you're done
Until you're done
Playing you're games
For now I am gone
I'm tired of your deceit
I'm tired of your make believe

I'm not the same as I was before
I know this but who can blame me?
People change
People change
But deep inside I am always me

Who I was
Who I am
Who I will always be

You can make be fly
Or break me down
But you will see
Even if you hurt me
Me is all I can ever be

How To Be Honest

I've grown so accustomed to keeping things in my life a secret that it's overwhelming me. And I'm really trying to open up SOMEWHERE to maybe help myself. I figure it's a start.

I'll most definetly have to start actually talking to people when something is bothering me. Regardless of consequences.

Here's some stuff that's been on my mind lately.Things that I wish I could say to people.

#1 I find it really rude to be listening to your iPod when you are in someone else's car because "you don't like the music that we listen to". We just put up with your shit in your car. You will put up with my shit when you are in my car. ESPECIALLY when it is a song that my friend wrote to me to calm me down when I was angry and on the edge.

#2 I tell you things because they mean something to me. Don't tell me you don't care. It makes me shut down and want to run away from you. Don't tell me that it's a no big deal. If I'm making a fuss about it--then it's some sort of deal to me. If you don't care about what I have to say then why would I care about what you have to say?

#3 I really wish that we had more time together. Just the two of us. Too many people are trying to think and make decisions for us and it's making it hard for me to focus on you with my own eyes. I love you but not I'm afraid that it means less than I thought it did. And now I've got the idea in my head that you are too good for me and you deserve better. I am really selfish enough to say that I don't care because I love you, but I wonder if you see it that way sometimes.

#4 I admire your strength and your motivation. I wish I could have a drive like that.

#5 I am afraid that one day I will get the call that I've dreaded for years--the call informing me that you are dead. I'm dead afraid that you are going to take your life and I will lose you forever. I've lost you three times already. Don't make the separation permanent. Not yet. You have dreams to live up to. You're going be famous. I want to see you rise to the top, not sink to the bottom.

Don't let her be the death of you. She's a whore.

#6 I felt a little awkward today when I saw you. I only wished that we could go back to our friendship. But I am thankful that I saw you. It made my day that I actually got to talk to your face, rather than your screen name or facebook chat box.I didn't want to leave. Not with out a hug. I didn't want to say goodbye. Will I see you again before you leave? I've already lost you too. Don't leave me without a proper goodbye. Not after everything we gained and lost together

#7 Why do you have to make everything so difficult? I just wanted to go forget the world with my friends.


YAWN....more later. I'm beat.

<3 Always
Just me

Never-ending

A crack of thunder
Moves the world with a single sound
My head is splitting
Losing sanity; I’m falling to the ground

There’s blood seeping through the ceiling
There’s blood sliding down the walls
He stands before me with a knife in his heart
Watching me bleed as we both fall

He reaches out towards me
But I pull away from his hand
If he touches me, just once
I’ll never again be able to stand

I try to drown out the world around me
But the headphones aren’t enough
Not anymore, like they once were
Never has pretending been so tough

His intention is to help me
But he’s spawn from the quandary
So he waits and watches me from a foot away
Waiting for me to fall eternally

And I’m running through the reality
When it’s only another nightmare
Every where I go, he never leaves me
He won’t hurt me, but I gaze upon him with fear

How can I not? When he, too, is bleeding
I mean I guess I have no choice but to keep him
He always stays within the left of my sight
And now, I don’t know what I’d do without my Ethan

When the walls are bleeding
Or I wake up screaming
He’s the only monster in my mind
That keeps me from reeling

But these shadows need to disappear
And the voices need to die
And even my black-winged demon
Needs to leave me and fly

There are fresh scars on my wrists
And there are no reasons why
How can I explain something I didn’t do
When I don’t even remember why I cry

I’m screaming in my sleep again
As I start spinning blindly in my dreams
I’m clawing at things that are not there
I can’t tell what is or isn’t as it seems

My bones are breaking
My heart’s shattered and bled dry
I’m trying to go on like nothing’s changed
But I am once again living a lie

How can I express myself?
And be exactly who I am
When I see things that aren’t there
And my state of mind is damned

I tried relying on myself, but who do I go to
When this is too much to take?
And if they find me, they’ll bind me further
Than I’ve already bound myself and I’ll break

I feel like I’m fighting day after day
Standing by him, fighting side by side
I’m holding on to imaginary weaponry
And ready to take on my mind

Can you imagine living with this soul?
Do you think you could take on this life?
After everything that I’ve been through
I’m still living in this continuing strife

Don’t tell me that I’m crazy
I’m a little more than impaired
Don’t worry, I’ll be fine
Even though I’m a little scared

I can take all these things in front of me
Just afraid of losing myself in all the insanity
‘Cause I’m certainly not who I used to be

But what I really want to know...
Could you love someone with such a fragmented memory?