It has been a little over a month since the last time I really saw you. The last perfect moment we had together has now been tainted by fragments of the truth. The truth of what you really say and of where you really went. I was content in letting you walk away to better yourself and your life. I understood the need to take time to learn new things and find your path. But you gave me some sort of false hope that I'd be there at least in your mind somewhere. Somehow, I thought you'd remember me. I knew I wouldn't get much more time with you, but you made me believe it was a good life decision for you. And I was proud of you.
But you vanished into thin air. And I tried to chase you as best as I could without making you feel like I was suffocating you. Without making me look vulnerable and desperate. All I asked for was a single letter. One little note. Just a call. A cigarette. I didn't ask for much of your time. I accepted that you were busy. I stupidly accepted your half promise of maybe once in a month or two. I wasn't even worth that...
Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'll be the one, if you want me to
Anywhere I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you
You weren't there to watch me as I fell. To be broken in Violet's arms. Screaming and bleeding and breaking. You weren't there to hear me cry out, begging for this to stop. You weren't there a lot of the times I really needed you, now that I think about it. I would've stood behind you for anything. I sacrificed a lot of my own time for you, even when I was busy. But you hardly sacrifice one word. And when I heard a piece of truth from your own mouth that I wasn't supposed to, I felt my heart burn. But I smiled.
And I am feeling so small
It was over my head
I know nothing at all
And I will stumble and fall
I'm still learning to love
Just starting to crawl
But Violet was. As she didn't want to see me like that. She intervened and tried to help me but talking to you. She stands up for you, you know? Keeping me hanging on, when I've lost the small sparks of hope you throw to me. You tell her that you do, in fact, love me. That you do miss me. In fact, you would text me randomly. Obscene things. Things that made me think that things could go back to the way they were. But I wouldn't hear from you for days. You stopped even responding like you once used to. Now, I get nothing. Just cold, confusing silence. You didn't even tell me...
Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
Anywhere I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you
And I will swallow my pride
You're the one that I love
And I'm saying goodbye
I had one last amazing night with you before you disappeared for a month. We laughed. We talked. Everything. Now, the last moment I have with you is a hug that I didn't want because of the knife you left in my side. I pretend not to care, especially when there are others. I saw how close you were to your...friends. How much time you give everyone but me...
And I'm really hurt. And I'm crying more than I have in a very long time. Silently, my tears are falling down my face as I listen to these words, describing how I truly feel now. I couldn't have said them anymore perfectly. You've created a void in my heart and placed your old loneliness there for safe keeping...
Say something, I'm giving up on you
And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
And anywhere I would've followed you (Oh-oh-oh-oh)
Say something, I'm giving up on you
Right now, my friend, you still have a chance to fix all this. Change my mind, before my heart's too broken to let you back into my life....but if there's even a bit of emotion left over for me...just...say something...
Say something, I'm giving up on you
Say something...
I miss you, love....
Just me
Thursday, February 6, 2014
Saturday, January 4, 2014
Why are the rest of us encased in ice?
To explain the title; I apparently talk in my sleep. And text. And I can hold full conversations. The title is just one of the many strangely haunting things that I've uttered in my sleep. As important as it may be that I talk in my sleep I have a more important thing to discuss.
Here's my issue. When I meet people, some of them stand out more so than others. Sounds similar to you? Well, it's not. With me it's different. I see flashes of the past. I see times that I was alive before I was born. I get feelings of superiority. I know I was different. And sometimes there are people that I meet that I know that I've met them and had relations with them in another life. I've met a few people like this. Violet and Harry being among the most important. (Hence why I can never seem to get rid of them.)
And then He came along.
He is my perfect opponent. My male counterpart. We are the same. Yet, I feel we were made to be on opposing sides. I may have fallen, but I am the light to his darkness. I have some love and hope left in my soul where for him it's been replaced with hate and loneliness. When I met him I felt it the instant I walked into the same room as him. And the first moment that we made eye contact, a fire ignited inside my soul that I still do not fully understand. There is a pull towards him. But to do what? Is this a strange, untold form of love? Is it an undeniable attraction through lust and hate? If I got him all to myself would kill each other mercilessly? Would we stand together and fight? I couldn't tell you.
I have kept most people in the dark about my thoughts and my feelings towards He. Including Violet and Harry. Including others who are closer to me than most. I'll let slip a little how I'm feeling but this is like walking on eggshells. Every word out of my mouth, every action I make is carefully calculated. Including the start of this new beginning. Everything I did the other night (and many nights before) was based off of careful calculations. I weighed my options. Considered every outcome. Every consequence. I have sacrificed a lot and almost lost more than I was willing to for He in this life and in lives before. I am prepared to face whatever trials shall come.
Now before I go further, keep in mind I am not human. Your petty morals mean nothing to me. Your judgmental reactions to the rest of this story will have no effect on me whatsoever. And they will not taint the memories I have locked inside.
Anyway, here it goes
The first of the coldest nights and the newest of days of fourteen:
I waited for him in the crisp air of the night, singing to myself. Waiting, ever so patiently. It was dark and lonely under the stars. I attempted to warm my hands, failed and lit a cigarette instead. The cold was as sharp and immobilizing as venom.
He rode up in a black carriage drawn by a single silver horse. He beckoned for me to join him. He was clad in black and heavily, yet discreetly, armed. My mind flashed back to a time before this night when he had explained his line of work aside from being a blacksmith's apprentice. He was an assassin and from what I could tell he wasn't always ones for following the rules. In fact, we were both breaking the rules tonight, but I didn't care anymore. It was definitely possible for him to kill me tonight, yet I was at ease.
"Where are we going?" I whispered. He just looked at me and made a gesture to direct the horse. After a few moments he began to sing. I remained still, listening. I knew that this was either my last night alive or one of my last nights with him. I was prepared to accept either outcome and every moment had to count.
We pulled up to an Inn. I remained in the carriage as He checked to see if there was a private, quiet room for us to discuss what needed to be discussed. As it was improper for a lady to be seen with a strange man that she was neither betrothed or related to, He declined the offer for them to take his horse to the stable to be fed and rested. He pulled the carriage into the stable himself and helped me into the room without being seen. A bottle of rum and two glasses rested on the small table underneath the window. I stood off to the side as he busied himself around the room, closing the curtains, lighting a fire, fixing the bedding, and taking off his shoes. He then turned to me and we stood there staring at each other. He shrugged and sat down on the bed.
"Are you going to stand there all night or are you going to join me?" He cracked open the bottle and poured us drinks. I sat down next to him on the other side of the bed. He sighed.
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing. I needed this. You did, too. I'm content."
I smiled and then hugged him tight. I could feel him relax and smile.
"I'm going to say something really stupid." I waited for him to continue, "I miss you".
I half-smiled in reply, but frowned. "Why is that stupid?"
"Because I never have time. Because I don't see you much."
"So? I miss you, too." I buried myself in his chest.
Home is behind
The world ahead
And there are many paths to tread
Hours of us talking and laughing after centuries of strife and loneliness and there we were, stuck in the middle, frozen in one moment of time completely content.We lay like that for a while, just listening to each other breathe. I was safe but still I waited for a blade dripping with poison to pierce my flesh. Or the sound of a bullet as it passed through my head. The smell of gun powder. Or of metal. Of blood. But the fear of the rising darkness as the silence falls, the pain never came. Instead, He played with my hair. He caressed my face. He pulled me close to him and put his lips on mine. He tasted like ash and smoke. Like the night. Like fire. Like poison.
He couldn't take it. I couldn't take it. Love, trust and hate and lust and centuries of history collided in a frenzy of needing to remember the other before time wasted us away. We didn't want to remember the war going on around us and in our heads. We wanted to memorize each other. This one moment. Sweat and tears mixed with drunken words and half formed thoughts. Ideas about what we were. What we needed to do. Needy I love you's and Hungry I love you too's.
Through shadow
To the edge of night
Until the stars are all aligned
Where we were felt right against all odds. He was familiar to me as I was to him. Together we were dangerous. The fire and fight inside my soul clashing with the wilderness and venom inside of his soul was enough to destroy everything around us. He smelled of everything familiar. The touch of his skin was too much. I felt sick. My stomach churned rejecting his bittersweet, poisonous words and actions. Rejecting the idea that we could never and would never be. I buried myself in the sheets.
"Are you all right, dear?"
"Yes, fine...fine...of course."
"Are you sure, love?"
"Yes...no...no I'm not fine." I stood and almost immediately vomited in the waste basket. He watched me curiously.
"All better now?" I nodded, "Come back with me. Just rest." He took me in his arms and I closed my eyes and listened to his heartbeat. It couldn't have been six hours yet. No...our time was coming to a close.
Mist and shadow
Cloud and shade
All shall fade
I awoke to him kissing me and telling me to get dressed. It was time to return to our respective places. He gave me a sad look as he put his boots back on. He called for the carriage and helped me back inside the dark void. He sat next to me and told me I wouldn't see him for a few months this time. He was travelling far away so he wouldn't have to take a contract.
We got back to my place under the stars.
"You don't want to leave do you?"
"I never do." I whispered, "But I will."
He kissed me and whispered, " I love you."
I got out of the carriage, and said goodbye to the silver horse, tracing the golden cross on the reins. I walked back to him and kissed him on the forehead. "Be careful. I'll see you soon, love. This is goodnight. Not goodbye."
....I love you, too....
All shall fade
Just me
Here's my issue. When I meet people, some of them stand out more so than others. Sounds similar to you? Well, it's not. With me it's different. I see flashes of the past. I see times that I was alive before I was born. I get feelings of superiority. I know I was different. And sometimes there are people that I meet that I know that I've met them and had relations with them in another life. I've met a few people like this. Violet and Harry being among the most important. (Hence why I can never seem to get rid of them.)
And then He came along.
He is my perfect opponent. My male counterpart. We are the same. Yet, I feel we were made to be on opposing sides. I may have fallen, but I am the light to his darkness. I have some love and hope left in my soul where for him it's been replaced with hate and loneliness. When I met him I felt it the instant I walked into the same room as him. And the first moment that we made eye contact, a fire ignited inside my soul that I still do not fully understand. There is a pull towards him. But to do what? Is this a strange, untold form of love? Is it an undeniable attraction through lust and hate? If I got him all to myself would kill each other mercilessly? Would we stand together and fight? I couldn't tell you.
I have kept most people in the dark about my thoughts and my feelings towards He. Including Violet and Harry. Including others who are closer to me than most. I'll let slip a little how I'm feeling but this is like walking on eggshells. Every word out of my mouth, every action I make is carefully calculated. Including the start of this new beginning. Everything I did the other night (and many nights before) was based off of careful calculations. I weighed my options. Considered every outcome. Every consequence. I have sacrificed a lot and almost lost more than I was willing to for He in this life and in lives before. I am prepared to face whatever trials shall come.
Now before I go further, keep in mind I am not human. Your petty morals mean nothing to me. Your judgmental reactions to the rest of this story will have no effect on me whatsoever. And they will not taint the memories I have locked inside.
Anyway, here it goes
The first of the coldest nights and the newest of days of fourteen:
I waited for him in the crisp air of the night, singing to myself. Waiting, ever so patiently. It was dark and lonely under the stars. I attempted to warm my hands, failed and lit a cigarette instead. The cold was as sharp and immobilizing as venom.
He rode up in a black carriage drawn by a single silver horse. He beckoned for me to join him. He was clad in black and heavily, yet discreetly, armed. My mind flashed back to a time before this night when he had explained his line of work aside from being a blacksmith's apprentice. He was an assassin and from what I could tell he wasn't always ones for following the rules. In fact, we were both breaking the rules tonight, but I didn't care anymore. It was definitely possible for him to kill me tonight, yet I was at ease.
"Where are we going?" I whispered. He just looked at me and made a gesture to direct the horse. After a few moments he began to sing. I remained still, listening. I knew that this was either my last night alive or one of my last nights with him. I was prepared to accept either outcome and every moment had to count.
We pulled up to an Inn. I remained in the carriage as He checked to see if there was a private, quiet room for us to discuss what needed to be discussed. As it was improper for a lady to be seen with a strange man that she was neither betrothed or related to, He declined the offer for them to take his horse to the stable to be fed and rested. He pulled the carriage into the stable himself and helped me into the room without being seen. A bottle of rum and two glasses rested on the small table underneath the window. I stood off to the side as he busied himself around the room, closing the curtains, lighting a fire, fixing the bedding, and taking off his shoes. He then turned to me and we stood there staring at each other. He shrugged and sat down on the bed.
"Are you going to stand there all night or are you going to join me?" He cracked open the bottle and poured us drinks. I sat down next to him on the other side of the bed. He sighed.
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing. I needed this. You did, too. I'm content."
I smiled and then hugged him tight. I could feel him relax and smile.
"I'm going to say something really stupid." I waited for him to continue, "I miss you".
I half-smiled in reply, but frowned. "Why is that stupid?"
"Because I never have time. Because I don't see you much."
"So? I miss you, too." I buried myself in his chest.
Home is behind
The world ahead
And there are many paths to tread
Hours of us talking and laughing after centuries of strife and loneliness and there we were, stuck in the middle, frozen in one moment of time completely content.We lay like that for a while, just listening to each other breathe. I was safe but still I waited for a blade dripping with poison to pierce my flesh. Or the sound of a bullet as it passed through my head. The smell of gun powder. Or of metal. Of blood. But the fear of the rising darkness as the silence falls, the pain never came. Instead, He played with my hair. He caressed my face. He pulled me close to him and put his lips on mine. He tasted like ash and smoke. Like the night. Like fire. Like poison.
He couldn't take it. I couldn't take it. Love, trust and hate and lust and centuries of history collided in a frenzy of needing to remember the other before time wasted us away. We didn't want to remember the war going on around us and in our heads. We wanted to memorize each other. This one moment. Sweat and tears mixed with drunken words and half formed thoughts. Ideas about what we were. What we needed to do. Needy I love you's and Hungry I love you too's.
Through shadow
To the edge of night
Until the stars are all aligned
Where we were felt right against all odds. He was familiar to me as I was to him. Together we were dangerous. The fire and fight inside my soul clashing with the wilderness and venom inside of his soul was enough to destroy everything around us. He smelled of everything familiar. The touch of his skin was too much. I felt sick. My stomach churned rejecting his bittersweet, poisonous words and actions. Rejecting the idea that we could never and would never be. I buried myself in the sheets.
"Are you all right, dear?"
"Yes, fine...fine...of course."
"Are you sure, love?"
"Yes...no...no I'm not fine." I stood and almost immediately vomited in the waste basket. He watched me curiously.
"All better now?" I nodded, "Come back with me. Just rest." He took me in his arms and I closed my eyes and listened to his heartbeat. It couldn't have been six hours yet. No...our time was coming to a close.
Mist and shadow
Cloud and shade
All shall fade
I awoke to him kissing me and telling me to get dressed. It was time to return to our respective places. He gave me a sad look as he put his boots back on. He called for the carriage and helped me back inside the dark void. He sat next to me and told me I wouldn't see him for a few months this time. He was travelling far away so he wouldn't have to take a contract.
We got back to my place under the stars.
"You don't want to leave do you?"
"I never do." I whispered, "But I will."
He kissed me and whispered, " I love you."
I got out of the carriage, and said goodbye to the silver horse, tracing the golden cross on the reins. I walked back to him and kissed him on the forehead. "Be careful. I'll see you soon, love. This is goodnight. Not goodbye."
....I love you, too....
All shall fade
Just me
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