I hate my life. I hate being me.

Can't. Stop. Seeing. Things.

I keep having dreams with them in it. Acting like we used to. (After talking shit out first) and it's idealized. What we wanted it to be. What it couldn't have been. Of course, I understand that what I did...I had to. No I don't want to be with him. He was just a pawn in my plan. Something that I have to keep up.

Things were just getting to be too much. And I knew...I knew how things were going to play out. I tried desperately to make things fair. I failed drastically. It haunts my every thought. Every word out of my mouth. Yeah, I bet it's what they wished for when I left. For me to be incredibly miserable without them. I feel as though they died.

What bothers me is the last time I looked into her eyes. I knew what I was going to do. I hesitated. But I did it anyway, knowing that I wouldn't find the strength ever again. But I can't even remember the last time I saw him...what the hell. Who was I then, that I wouldn't remember.

I loved them. I did. I tried. But I knew I wasn't making them happy. And I knew that I couldn't make them happy if I wanted to be myself and happy at the same time. Something inside just told me to let go. So I did.

What they don't know is that I'm sick. And I have to be really careful or else I will die.
My head is messed up. And they will never know it. I've got a problem with my brain. That's causing the rest of me to fail.

My body isn't working anymore. The rapid weight loss. The vomiting.

I lied.

It wasn't him that was going to die.

It was me.

I'm sorry I wasn't good enough.
I'm sorry I lied to you.
I'm sorry I never told you what was really wrong...

I just didn't want to hurt you.
I wanted you to hate me instead.

Maybe then you wouldn't miss me if this killed me.

And the sad part is...this isn't a personalities wishful thinking.
For once...this is reality....


Will you ever see this?
I don't know.
And I can't care anymore.