Emilie Autumn's Key

Forget Lady Gaga. I want to be Emilie Autumn for Halloween.
And I was. I think I pulled it off pretty well. Even got to take a little trip to the loony bin myself this weekend too. It's fascinating. (Not). Being mentally evaluated and tested to see if yo uare a danger to yourself or others and whether or not you qualify for a padden room or get to stay home is hard enough without coming home to have a fight with your boyfriend about moving in with him or not AFTER fighting with your mom over absolutely nothing.

Maybe that padded room would have been better. Sometimes I wonder why I bother making descisions. I always want to opposite of what I choose in the end anyway. Why do people insist on making me choose. Don't give me a choice. But then I would fight for a choice.

Do I stay, curled up in a ball, crying my eyes out, scared to show I was crying, scared to stand up for myself to those cruel words? Do I stay in a place that I know I will eventually never be able to leave if I wait too long? Do I remain abiding to the limits and control that are inflicted upon me?

Or do I take a risk, even though I have really no other option left open to me? Do I become Emily (with a Y) and run for my life with nothing but a fine gown and a key. Should I, too, draw hearts on my face to remind me of what has been? Do I leave everything behind? Can I escape these walls?

Do I run to him is the real question.
I have so little faith in myself, let alone other people. Including those I pretend are everything to me. No one is everything to me. I always have my feet on my own foundation. It's not the strongest, but I trust my feeble floating dock to illusions of marble walls of friends. I'd rather drown then get trapped behind walls.

But I've always been trapped.
How do I know what freedom is, if I've never tasted it?

That padded room is starting to sound more appropriate.
I just don't like get shots of liquid zanex...
I'd be getting that a lot if that's what they do every time someone has a panick atttack.

I'm not crazy. I'm hopeless. People do desperate things when hopeless.

Help?

I don't know what I need.

All I can hear is be Emilie. Be Emilie. Be Emilie.
I have to be strong like Emilie.
And she was strong. She is a survivor with the same disease as me. In a sense.
Is that my key?
Won't someone give me the key...
I just want the key...why is that so hard?

Just give me the key....please...

Not you
Not them
Not him
Not we...

Just me

Suicidal Bliss

Have any of you ever thought about commiting suicide? It's not a pleasant thought. It's not a pleasant place to be if you are feeling that low. Well, I am feeling that low. No, I am not going to attempt suicide (again). I'm just merely saying that I need help. It's okay. I am getting it. Soon. I think. I am strong enough to find ways around this horrendous action.

I just feel very low on the ladder here. Like, it feels like I once ruled the world. I had everything under control. I was someone special. I became someone special. Once.

Once upon a time.

Not this life. No.

Here I am once of a million people trying to be unique and make it in this world. I could be anything I want to be, they say. Of course I can.

...LIES....

Not when you're like me. Never. It won't happen for me. I am supposed to be a shadow. It's what I've been for centuries. Just something left over from the past. My soul is ancient and you know what? I am so exhausted from living that I would really just love to go home and STAY home now.

Anyone know where I can catch the next train to Home? Plane? Bus?....Elevator?

I've lost hope.
I've lost a lot. In this life. And in others. Will there be more? Am I destined to come back? Because I will kill myself next time. I will succeed then. And I will find something to hold on to for dear...death and make sure I never have to come back to this wretched, dying earth every again.

Sound depressing enough yet? Try living in my head and pretending to be optimistic for the sake of what's left of your sanity and for those around you. It's exhausting and I have no where else to release this negative energy. Except for in a vial of poison. But where would I get one of those........

Moving on.

I wish it was Halloween. If my plans are messed up..I will die a little more inside than I already am...if that is possible.

Happy Almost Halloween.

I am out for now. I know I didn't explain anything. No reasons why I feel this way, no updates. This just is. Take it however you want.

Just don't judge me