Sharing this room meant that every Wednesday and every other weekend I had to sleep on the cat fur infested couch (to which I was highly allergic). Obviously, one is going to break under the pressure of discomfort, loneliness and neglect. Not to mention, soon after I moved in to this deceivingly homey hell hole, I got fired from my job. Money was tight and even though I was able to land myself another job the same day, I was desperate.
I wound up seeking help in someone I had originally done everything in my power to avoid in high school. He gave me a place to sleep when I was upset and couldn't stand being around my boyfriend (who continuously humiliated, used and ignored me). He gave me money. He did everything in his power to get me back on my feet...
Only to eventually knock me into a wall.
Let me back track: I had made an agreement with this guy that we would NOT fall in love with each other. We were strictly friends. Of course, that didn't go over very well and jealousy and rage consumed him. I was in a tight spot. I needed money, I wanted my possessions, I didn't want to lose or hurt anyone and he was threatening me trying to get me to be his one and only.
All while this was happening, Violet was pregnant and I was worried about that.
Then D came into the picture, or rather he came BACK into the picture. he had tried to convince me to date him before but I had ignored his warnings and his helping hand. But now, his calm words, and gentle touch and loving demeanor was exactly what I had been searching for. It was my safe place, my comfort...he was everything I had ever needed.
Eventually, I moved slowly back into my mother's house, left douche bag and was dropped by the other guy. I got a job at a cafe, got sexually harassed and left all while holding down my steady job at the other place.
Well, today I was shown how all of that hard repetitive work, that drove me so insane was a waste of fucking time. After all the moving to a new location, wanting to leave, staying through it all, watching my friends quit and get fired over nothing, I stayed. Today it was my turn. A camera caught me at a wrong angle and even though it was something I have done for nearly a year (putting my cell phone and other items into a bag to carry out), putting things to hold for myself on the employee hold and clocking out they still terminated my employment for THEFT. Like, really? If I wanted to steal something would I really have done it right under a camera?
After trying to deny the accusation, I got yelled at and told I was being uncooperative. If I didn't admit to the crime (which I didn't commit one, even though it looked weird on the cameras despite the fact that it was a daily habit) then they would call the cops and it would be a huge scene. So...I lied and told them yeah, I guess I did. It was 20$ bucks worth.
All that time...all that energy and for what?
I'm back to being a replaceable human. My purpose in life is nothing large. This world is CHOKING.
Also, I OWE FIFTY FIVE dollars to my township for LIVING THERE. I have to pay to walk on the fucking ground now? This economy...this world is full of shit! The day I die will be the day I fulfill my purpose in life. We are all bound and chained.
And me? I'm not only bound by my existence...I'm bound by those inside my head as well. Should I pay taxes for them?
I need to write now. I need to pour every ounce of myself into something BIG. I am going to fight this. Whatever THIS is....
