Shhhhh

Don't tell anyone I'm here!!
Hooray for blogs and poetry. Otherwise I would have no other reason to be on here. Of course, I have to convince everyone that it's like a journal to me, and that no one really reads it. Besides two or three people...although now I have my doubts about who exactly is reading this. Sadly it's NOT like facebook with privacy settings. So I'm going to try and be extra careful. Hence why I use NICKNAMES all the time for most of my (actual) friends. Ethan, Dimitri, Elijah, (and all the other fireys), Lilac, Kiendra, Tilla, Jasken, Echo, Elyaina, Celedae,( and all the others) don't count.

Phantom of the Opera is onnnnnn. I like this part. No idea why. It's the part where Christine Daae and Raoul Vicomte de Chaney (spelling) get finished singing their duet on the roof as the Phantom is listening and then he starts to sing (and crush the rose in his hand). OH the symbloism in this scene. Gives me chills. And I like the song too. He takes their song and makes it his own, changing the words.

"I gave you my music. Made you're song take wing. And now how you've repaid me. Denied me and betrayed me." (sounds really soft and reflective at first)
"He was bound to love you when he heard you sing" with the whispered Christine at the end AHH gives me goosebumps. It's like you can FEEL what's in his soul. And then you hear them in the distance, echoing. And then his sudden rush of emotion. SOO much emotion.
"You will curse the day you did not do all that the Phantom asked of you." And then the music after that. HOLY CRAP I LOVE IT. I don't even know why. There's just so much emotion all at once in this one short song. It's fascinating. Honestly I think I just like the part because he's on the freaking roof. XD <3
I nearly cried when I saw the play in New York! When the chandelier went up above me? And the music started playing? That...was the best experience ever. Nothing could top that feeling.
Y'all are probably thinking how can I get this worked up over a play/movie? I honestly don't know. I just do.

-----------------Back to my world (not Phantom world)-----------------

So I really needed a break. Not sure if this was the best descision to be made, but then again neither have many others I've been making lately. This mgiht just be the best thing for me.

I have to shut off from the world in order to reorganize my thoughts. Everything is so fragmented lately. In my mind. I guess you could say my life too. I'm not really sure how to react to anything. It's like I have no feeling towards anything or anyone. Every emotion is that of someone else. Not me. Either that or I fake everything I say. Nothing is real to me anymore.

Something happened Sunday in the car. I felt one of my personalities split. Rather I HEARD it split. So it's like...one of my (dominant) personalities has more than one of itself. I don't have four of her anymore. I have seven. And they aren't very nice. And the four that were? Well, they aren't exaclty easy to deal with either.

I'm having a very hard time controlling myself. I've just got these random outbursts/rages that take ahold of me and NO ONE CAN STOP ME. I mean you get in my way and it's like ..."put your lights out hit the pavement that's what I call entertainment" I don't want to be around anyone who may or may not irritate me. Just...ANYONE really. So I came up with a solution. And I may not like it...but when I said I was done. I mean...I AM SO FUCKING DONE with all the bullshit in my life.

And no matter what anyone does now. Or what anyone says. What has been done can NOT be undone. I am in this state of mind now. And nothing will ever ever ever drag me out of it.

All I wish is for everyone around me to live their lives but leave me out of it. I want nothing to do with the majority of people anymore.

I don't trust myself. Why should anyone trust me?

PS. I never promised jack shit. And boy am I glad I didn't

I hate the fragmented thinking. It makes no sense to many people. R told me to do it though. He said that I haven't been writing a lot and that was what my problem was. I know he didn't mean post it publically (which is why many of my newer recent writing will need to be burned (but wont) just hidden) are in a notebook and not in this post.

Honestly I think my problem was concerning myself with other people's needs and issuses. I was putting myself through way too much and I couldn't handle it all. Especially with the personalities merging and multiplying yet again over and over.

My stress levels just reached an all time high and I'm not yet coming down. (Talk about a "bad trip")

But trust me on one thing. I'm downsizing everything in my life. My room. The favors I do. My "friends". My writing. EVERYTHING needs to have a good "spring cleaning". Including my head and my heart and what's left of my dark soul(s).

Side note:

Dear Ethan, Dimitri and Co.

I really love getting repeatedly abused over and over and over by your throwing knives, poison darts and searing wings. I also love it when you line the sidewalks and climb on cars. Let me just EXPRESS how happy I am that you are now asking my permission to march behind me in a battle that I know nothing about.

PS. Tell your fire friends that Yes they were right in everything they showed me even thoguh I never doubted myself or them in the first place. But next time can we not be so vividly precise and accurate in your visions and or dreams. Thank you. That was really disturbing and something I never want to see ever again no matter how many times it happens XD. And do you really have to prove it to me by making it so obvious that I'm watching memories when I look at people? It's really weird and I don't like being able to feel the power of the colors that I see. (Yes people I know I'm insane, bare with me)

Oh and Ethan. Can you not sit there whispering LIES LIES LIES LIES LIES Can I stab someone JUST ONCE please? In my ear when I already know from your fire fiends that I'm being lied to or when someone is totally laughing at me in my face, or giving me shit. It makes it harder to control my own emotions when I can feel the tension coming from you. It's really annoying mostly because I don't need you turning into your brother. I get enough shit from him. Thanks. (PS. I love you anyway and have a lot to thank you for I just really wish you wouldn't harrass me like the others)


So I wrote this a while ago but I edited all the parts I liked and or remain true.
I've been dealing with this feeling that something bad it going to happen. I thoguht that it was because of one thing. Then another. But when both of those tings calmed down and I could think clearly...the feeling remained. So it wasn't that. I'm sure those didn't help but there's more.

I wish I knew what was coming...I wish I could stop it. But how can you stop something that you can't see?

To see something that is not there, you must gaze upon what is--or something to that effect (thank you Zed from Legend of the Seeker)

I refuse to write my dreams and intuitions.
My visions as some call them.

Because everything I write comes true.
In some way. This can NEVER be written. This can NEVER happen.
I would die.
No matter who or what or when.
I would die.
Because I would feel responsible. And I wouldn't have been able to stop it.

Too fragmented and stressed out. Need music and stuff. Don't feel like doing chores and crap. Oh well...

Just me