The Day I Die will be the Day I fulfill my purpose in life

I once made the biggest mistake of my life. It happened about a year ago, when I sat back and let my douche bag boyfriend pack up my entire room and take it to his house. Without question, I followed my most prized possessions (carried in the hands of someone I internally despised) and landed in a dismal room that I had to share with his down syndrome older brother and a giant monkey that was pasted on as a sorry excuse for wall paper.

Sharing this room meant that every Wednesday and every other weekend I had to sleep on the cat fur infested couch (to which I was highly allergic). Obviously, one is going to break under the pressure of discomfort, loneliness and neglect. Not to mention, soon after I moved in to this deceivingly homey hell hole, I got fired from my job. Money was tight and even though I was able to land myself another job the same day, I was desperate.

I wound up seeking help in someone I had originally done everything in my power to avoid in high school. He gave me a place to sleep when I was upset and couldn't stand being around my boyfriend (who continuously humiliated, used and ignored me). He gave me money. He did everything in his power to get me back on my feet...

Only to eventually knock me into a wall.

Let me back track: I had made an agreement with this guy that we would NOT fall in love with each other. We were strictly friends. Of course, that didn't go over very well and jealousy and rage consumed him. I was in a tight spot. I needed money, I wanted my possessions, I didn't want to lose or hurt anyone and he was threatening me trying to get me to be his one and only.

All while this was happening, Violet was pregnant and I was worried about that.

Then D came into the picture, or rather he came BACK into the picture. he had tried to convince me to date him before but I had ignored his warnings and his helping hand. But now, his calm words, and gentle touch and loving demeanor was exactly what I had been searching for. It was my safe place, my comfort...he was everything I had ever needed.

Eventually, I moved slowly back into my mother's house, left douche bag and was dropped by the other guy. I got a job at a cafe, got sexually harassed and left all while holding down my steady job at the other place.

Well, today I was shown how all of that hard repetitive work, that drove me so insane was a waste of fucking time. After all the moving to a new location, wanting to leave, staying through it all, watching my friends quit and get fired over nothing, I stayed. Today it was my turn. A camera caught me at a wrong angle and even though it was something I have done for nearly a year (putting my cell phone and other items into a bag to carry out), putting things to hold for myself on the employee hold and clocking out they still terminated my employment for THEFT. Like, really? If I wanted to steal something would I really have done it right under a camera?

After trying to deny the accusation, I got yelled at and told I was being uncooperative. If I didn't admit to the crime (which I didn't commit one, even though it looked weird on the cameras despite the fact that it was a daily habit) then they would call the cops and it would be a huge scene. So...I lied and told them yeah, I guess I did. It was 20$ bucks worth.

All that time...all that energy and for what?

I'm back to being a replaceable human. My purpose in life is nothing large. This world is CHOKING.

Also, I OWE FIFTY FIVE dollars to my township for LIVING THERE. I have to pay to walk on the fucking ground now? This economy...this world is full of shit! The day I die will be the day I fulfill my purpose in life. We are all bound and chained.

And me? I'm not only bound by my existence...I'm bound by those inside my head as well. Should I pay taxes for them?

I need to write now. I need to pour every ounce of myself into something BIG. I am going to fight this. Whatever THIS is....

I hate my life. I hate being me.

Can't. Stop. Seeing. Things.

I keep having dreams with them in it. Acting like we used to. (After talking shit out first) and it's idealized. What we wanted it to be. What it couldn't have been. Of course, I understand that what I did...I had to. No I don't want to be with him. He was just a pawn in my plan. Something that I have to keep up.

Things were just getting to be too much. And I knew...I knew how things were going to play out. I tried desperately to make things fair. I failed drastically. It haunts my every thought. Every word out of my mouth. Yeah, I bet it's what they wished for when I left. For me to be incredibly miserable without them. I feel as though they died.

What bothers me is the last time I looked into her eyes. I knew what I was going to do. I hesitated. But I did it anyway, knowing that I wouldn't find the strength ever again. But I can't even remember the last time I saw him...what the hell. Who was I then, that I wouldn't remember.

I loved them. I did. I tried. But I knew I wasn't making them happy. And I knew that I couldn't make them happy if I wanted to be myself and happy at the same time. Something inside just told me to let go. So I did.

What they don't know is that I'm sick. And I have to be really careful or else I will die.
My head is messed up. And they will never know it. I've got a problem with my brain. That's causing the rest of me to fail.

My body isn't working anymore. The rapid weight loss. The vomiting.

I lied.

It wasn't him that was going to die.

It was me.

I'm sorry I wasn't good enough.
I'm sorry I lied to you.
I'm sorry I never told you what was really wrong...

I just didn't want to hurt you.
I wanted you to hate me instead.

Maybe then you wouldn't miss me if this killed me.

And the sad part is...this isn't a personalities wishful thinking.
For once...this is reality....


Will you ever see this?
I don't know.
And I can't care anymore.

Gits and Geezers, Hags and Bitches...I mean Witches

What is with the human race lately? I mean really?!

Incident 1: The Witch

Violet and I were outside of this costume shop when the woman who lived next door (not the owner FYI) came outside and asked us if we needed help. We said that we were just waiting for the store to open up, becuase it's a really neat store and we had driven ALL the way over there. Granted it was an hour and a half wait before the store would open but I didn't have the gas or the money to drive back towards home and then back to the store.
"We're waiting to go into the shop," we said.
"The shop doesn't open until 12."
"We know. We don't mind waiting :) "
Her response?? "You guys are going to sit out here for three fucking hours??" We just stared at her in utter shock. Like....WHAT THE FUCK?!

Incident 2: The Foreigner

Violet and I (with a friend and her daughter) went to Dunkin Donuts and the man was EXTREMELY rude. I would tell you what he said...if we had actually completely understood him. His gestures were enough. Basically Violet was in a rage over it. There was no calming her.

Incident 3: The Surveyers

Violet and I always go the a certain mall to take surveys. Sometimes for these surveys you get a couple bucks, coupons or something of the like. When asked a certain question that we hadn't figured out yet (and we said so accordingly) the other woman behind the cubical shouted "THEY'RE LYING TO YOU. WHY WOULD YOU LET THEM LIE TO YOU? That girl ALWAYS fucking lies. I hate that bitch. I want to punch her in the face." Speaking of Violet....let's just say that didn't go over very well for either of us. I went back in ready to blow someone's head off. Who treats their customers like that????

Incident 4: The Burger King version of Angels and Demons

This JUST IN: Again, the two of us were going into Burger King and as usual we are VERY low on money. We hardly had enough to get food. When Violet couldn't get a drink she asked for a small complimentary cup and attempted to fill it with soda yet got yelled at for using the it for soda not water. Then we asked a couple people around the restaurant if they had one dollar to spare. The two men she first asked glared at her and made a nice little scene that came out of Mean Girls. Pussies.

At least the men behind them gave her seven dollars. Two for a drink and when she wrote them a quick little poem they were really appreciative and gvae her five more dollars. The guys taht said no were talking about us to this other guy who later came up and started quoting poetry from his head. And is continuing still. It's amazing.

The longer I listen I want to record it. He never writes them down he says.

I would like to write now. Like Edgar Allen Poe. That's almost what he sounds like.

<3 That's all for now

<3 <3 I love you <3 <3

Emilie Autumn's Key

Forget Lady Gaga. I want to be Emilie Autumn for Halloween.
And I was. I think I pulled it off pretty well. Even got to take a little trip to the loony bin myself this weekend too. It's fascinating. (Not). Being mentally evaluated and tested to see if yo uare a danger to yourself or others and whether or not you qualify for a padden room or get to stay home is hard enough without coming home to have a fight with your boyfriend about moving in with him or not AFTER fighting with your mom over absolutely nothing.

Maybe that padded room would have been better. Sometimes I wonder why I bother making descisions. I always want to opposite of what I choose in the end anyway. Why do people insist on making me choose. Don't give me a choice. But then I would fight for a choice.

Do I stay, curled up in a ball, crying my eyes out, scared to show I was crying, scared to stand up for myself to those cruel words? Do I stay in a place that I know I will eventually never be able to leave if I wait too long? Do I remain abiding to the limits and control that are inflicted upon me?

Or do I take a risk, even though I have really no other option left open to me? Do I become Emily (with a Y) and run for my life with nothing but a fine gown and a key. Should I, too, draw hearts on my face to remind me of what has been? Do I leave everything behind? Can I escape these walls?

Do I run to him is the real question.
I have so little faith in myself, let alone other people. Including those I pretend are everything to me. No one is everything to me. I always have my feet on my own foundation. It's not the strongest, but I trust my feeble floating dock to illusions of marble walls of friends. I'd rather drown then get trapped behind walls.

But I've always been trapped.
How do I know what freedom is, if I've never tasted it?

That padded room is starting to sound more appropriate.
I just don't like get shots of liquid zanex...
I'd be getting that a lot if that's what they do every time someone has a panick atttack.

I'm not crazy. I'm hopeless. People do desperate things when hopeless.

Help?

I don't know what I need.

All I can hear is be Emilie. Be Emilie. Be Emilie.
I have to be strong like Emilie.
And she was strong. She is a survivor with the same disease as me. In a sense.
Is that my key?
Won't someone give me the key...
I just want the key...why is that so hard?

Just give me the key....please...

Not you
Not them
Not him
Not we...

Just me

Suicidal Bliss

Have any of you ever thought about commiting suicide? It's not a pleasant thought. It's not a pleasant place to be if you are feeling that low. Well, I am feeling that low. No, I am not going to attempt suicide (again). I'm just merely saying that I need help. It's okay. I am getting it. Soon. I think. I am strong enough to find ways around this horrendous action.

I just feel very low on the ladder here. Like, it feels like I once ruled the world. I had everything under control. I was someone special. I became someone special. Once.

Once upon a time.

Not this life. No.

Here I am once of a million people trying to be unique and make it in this world. I could be anything I want to be, they say. Of course I can.

...LIES....

Not when you're like me. Never. It won't happen for me. I am supposed to be a shadow. It's what I've been for centuries. Just something left over from the past. My soul is ancient and you know what? I am so exhausted from living that I would really just love to go home and STAY home now.

Anyone know where I can catch the next train to Home? Plane? Bus?....Elevator?

I've lost hope.
I've lost a lot. In this life. And in others. Will there be more? Am I destined to come back? Because I will kill myself next time. I will succeed then. And I will find something to hold on to for dear...death and make sure I never have to come back to this wretched, dying earth every again.

Sound depressing enough yet? Try living in my head and pretending to be optimistic for the sake of what's left of your sanity and for those around you. It's exhausting and I have no where else to release this negative energy. Except for in a vial of poison. But where would I get one of those........

Moving on.

I wish it was Halloween. If my plans are messed up..I will die a little more inside than I already am...if that is possible.

Happy Almost Halloween.

I am out for now. I know I didn't explain anything. No reasons why I feel this way, no updates. This just is. Take it however you want.

Just don't judge me

My heart beat stumbles and my back bone crumbles...

The room was dark. No matter how many times the three of us came here, it was still the best spot to hang out. It felt like ours. We were always one of the first people to arrive. There wasn't much chatter and the music had a good beat.

He never danced with us, no matter how much we tried, so we danced together. I was glad to have them in my life. Nothing...no one else could ever replace them. I could try drinking, smoking, moving on, buying tons of things and I know that nothing would ever take their place. In my heart I knew that I would die for them without hesitation. Finding people like that is hard.

I already knew that about him. I knew from the moment I met him I knew I would die for him. He has so much hidden talent. A good soul. Dark, maybe, but he's still a good soul. I've lost him before. And now that he's back in my life (and not floating around the edges of it) I can see how much of a void his absence had left in my life. See? Only he could have filled it. NOTHING could ever replace him.

And her? I don't really know what drew me to her side. I thought it was guilt but you know? That whole thing wasn't really my fault. I didn't know she was in the picture. Granted it still wouldn't have given us a reason to be friends. We should hate each other. Yeah, I guess it gets awkward sometimes but compared to our friendship the awkward is undetectable on our radar. She's...her. Dark, but lively. We live in a world of contradictions. It is our world.

Tonight was different. We didn't have our awesome bodyguard with us. It was usually the three of us and him, but he was home with his girlfriend and she didn't feel like coming here, even though he came in underage with us.

After much begging and pleading for him to come up with us and dance we gave up and left to dance to our song. I was feeding off of the energy beating through the speakers, radiating off of her. I WAS ALIVE. We laughed and he watched. The room dimmed, but I didn't notice. Pain radiated from my head, but I ignored it. I felt a searing pain in my side, but I was too lost in the music.

I felt commanded to freeze. I stopped and stared at the door, waiting to see what was causing my sudden unease. I turned back to her, frowning.

"What?" She asked. She'd seen that expression on my face before. She stopped and stared at him. He felt it too. I motioned for him to follow us. He didn't move. We both walked over to him instead. She sat next to him, talking to him. I couldn't hear her over the beating music. We needed to leave, quickly. Why weren't they listening to me??

"Hey babe." A hand landed around my shoulder and gripped me tightly. I jumped a mile in the air. I turned to face the one person none of us wanted to see here. The one person who was supposed to stay away from. The one person I was protecting them from. I looked at him and he didn't look like him at all. I could feel the same pressure around me as I had that one night he told me I was a seer.

"What the hell are you doing here?"
"Why the hell are you with them" he said. I could see fire in his eyes, but he remained calm.
"We just finished practice." I said.
"I thought you didn't like them." He cocked his head to the side at me. "So your the people who've been taking my time with her from me. All the more reason for me to hate you." He didn't sound like him. It didn't feel like him. No...it was the shapeless energy I'd felt three weeks before. I tried to tell them to run with my eyes. But where would they go? If I was correct, he would have the power to stop them from even standing back up.

He went for them and without hesitation I threw him back.
Yes, that's right. I threw HIM back. She stared at me, but I wasn't me anymore. I was something else. I was scared, but uncontrollable.

I took my own vow.
To protect them.
To love them forever, whether my heart was made for it or not.
To trust them.
To need them.
To keep them alive.

I wasn't going to let someone take that away from me again.

At least this time it wasn't within our group. No, it was someone outside of our world.
Or was it.
They find the weakest points.
They overtook B years ago. They drove us apart. But we found the missing link. We Found Her.
Could they break us now?

Or was I the weak one now. Was I one of them?
This was my chance to find out.

I stood in front of them. I felt needles sting my fingers. I tasted blood in my mouth. I knew then I wasn't human. I was something else. But if I was one of my own demons that didn't make me weak. That didn't mean I wouldn't go back on my promises.

I would save them.

We fought, clawing, scratching, screaming, bleeding...dying in front of everyone. Some didn't notice. Only they could see. He drew out a dagger, ready to slice into my heart, but he missed, instead it went into my shoulder. Wincing I drew it to use against him.

With my hand to his throat and my left arm raised to kill he stopped me, but didn't move to attack. He grabbed my neck, holding me back.

"If you kill me, we both die."
I didn't answer. My soul did.
"Then let us both die."
"You want to stay to protect them. What are they worth to you? You won't die for them, even if you'll fight for them you won't die."
"Fuck you." I knocked his hand away from me turned away for a moment to look at them. The looked back at me with horror. That voice wasn't mine I knew. It was a chorus of them all. All the souls locked inside of me. I swung back and stabbed him with his own blade.

And the force left him falling to the floor. He was fine, asleep, eyes closed, but the energy was dead. I'd killed it. I'd saved them. Things around us began to move again.

We left. They clung to me.

Yes...guys I'm fine.
I'm fine...

But I wasn't. I collapsed, broken and bleeding into their arms.

And then I woke up.

And with everything that's happened lately...

THAT DREAM SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF ME

And Violet knows why...

Just me