I hate my life. I hate being me.

Can't. Stop. Seeing. Things.

I keep having dreams with them in it. Acting like we used to. (After talking shit out first) and it's idealized. What we wanted it to be. What it couldn't have been. Of course, I understand that what I did...I had to. No I don't want to be with him. He was just a pawn in my plan. Something that I have to keep up.

Things were just getting to be too much. And I knew...I knew how things were going to play out. I tried desperately to make things fair. I failed drastically. It haunts my every thought. Every word out of my mouth. Yeah, I bet it's what they wished for when I left. For me to be incredibly miserable without them. I feel as though they died.

What bothers me is the last time I looked into her eyes. I knew what I was going to do. I hesitated. But I did it anyway, knowing that I wouldn't find the strength ever again. But I can't even remember the last time I saw him...what the hell. Who was I then, that I wouldn't remember.

I loved them. I did. I tried. But I knew I wasn't making them happy. And I knew that I couldn't make them happy if I wanted to be myself and happy at the same time. Something inside just told me to let go. So I did.

What they don't know is that I'm sick. And I have to be really careful or else I will die.
My head is messed up. And they will never know it. I've got a problem with my brain. That's causing the rest of me to fail.

My body isn't working anymore. The rapid weight loss. The vomiting.

I lied.

It wasn't him that was going to die.

It was me.

I'm sorry I wasn't good enough.
I'm sorry I lied to you.
I'm sorry I never told you what was really wrong...

I just didn't want to hurt you.
I wanted you to hate me instead.

Maybe then you wouldn't miss me if this killed me.

And the sad part is...this isn't a personalities wishful thinking.
For once...this is reality....


Will you ever see this?
I don't know.
And I can't care anymore.

Gits and Geezers, Hags and Bitches...I mean Witches

What is with the human race lately? I mean really?!

Incident 1: The Witch

Violet and I were outside of this costume shop when the woman who lived next door (not the owner FYI) came outside and asked us if we needed help. We said that we were just waiting for the store to open up, becuase it's a really neat store and we had driven ALL the way over there. Granted it was an hour and a half wait before the store would open but I didn't have the gas or the money to drive back towards home and then back to the store.
"We're waiting to go into the shop," we said.
"The shop doesn't open until 12."
"We know. We don't mind waiting :) "
Her response?? "You guys are going to sit out here for three fucking hours??" We just stared at her in utter shock. Like....WHAT THE FUCK?!

Incident 2: The Foreigner

Violet and I (with a friend and her daughter) went to Dunkin Donuts and the man was EXTREMELY rude. I would tell you what he said...if we had actually completely understood him. His gestures were enough. Basically Violet was in a rage over it. There was no calming her.

Incident 3: The Surveyers

Violet and I always go the a certain mall to take surveys. Sometimes for these surveys you get a couple bucks, coupons or something of the like. When asked a certain question that we hadn't figured out yet (and we said so accordingly) the other woman behind the cubical shouted "THEY'RE LYING TO YOU. WHY WOULD YOU LET THEM LIE TO YOU? That girl ALWAYS fucking lies. I hate that bitch. I want to punch her in the face." Speaking of Violet....let's just say that didn't go over very well for either of us. I went back in ready to blow someone's head off. Who treats their customers like that????

Incident 4: The Burger King version of Angels and Demons

This JUST IN: Again, the two of us were going into Burger King and as usual we are VERY low on money. We hardly had enough to get food. When Violet couldn't get a drink she asked for a small complimentary cup and attempted to fill it with soda yet got yelled at for using the it for soda not water. Then we asked a couple people around the restaurant if they had one dollar to spare. The two men she first asked glared at her and made a nice little scene that came out of Mean Girls. Pussies.

At least the men behind them gave her seven dollars. Two for a drink and when she wrote them a quick little poem they were really appreciative and gvae her five more dollars. The guys taht said no were talking about us to this other guy who later came up and started quoting poetry from his head. And is continuing still. It's amazing.

The longer I listen I want to record it. He never writes them down he says.

I would like to write now. Like Edgar Allen Poe. That's almost what he sounds like.

<3 That's all for now

<3 <3 I love you <3 <3

Emilie Autumn's Key

Forget Lady Gaga. I want to be Emilie Autumn for Halloween.
And I was. I think I pulled it off pretty well. Even got to take a little trip to the loony bin myself this weekend too. It's fascinating. (Not). Being mentally evaluated and tested to see if yo uare a danger to yourself or others and whether or not you qualify for a padden room or get to stay home is hard enough without coming home to have a fight with your boyfriend about moving in with him or not AFTER fighting with your mom over absolutely nothing.

Maybe that padded room would have been better. Sometimes I wonder why I bother making descisions. I always want to opposite of what I choose in the end anyway. Why do people insist on making me choose. Don't give me a choice. But then I would fight for a choice.

Do I stay, curled up in a ball, crying my eyes out, scared to show I was crying, scared to stand up for myself to those cruel words? Do I stay in a place that I know I will eventually never be able to leave if I wait too long? Do I remain abiding to the limits and control that are inflicted upon me?

Or do I take a risk, even though I have really no other option left open to me? Do I become Emily (with a Y) and run for my life with nothing but a fine gown and a key. Should I, too, draw hearts on my face to remind me of what has been? Do I leave everything behind? Can I escape these walls?

Do I run to him is the real question.
I have so little faith in myself, let alone other people. Including those I pretend are everything to me. No one is everything to me. I always have my feet on my own foundation. It's not the strongest, but I trust my feeble floating dock to illusions of marble walls of friends. I'd rather drown then get trapped behind walls.

But I've always been trapped.
How do I know what freedom is, if I've never tasted it?

That padded room is starting to sound more appropriate.
I just don't like get shots of liquid zanex...
I'd be getting that a lot if that's what they do every time someone has a panick atttack.

I'm not crazy. I'm hopeless. People do desperate things when hopeless.

Help?

I don't know what I need.

All I can hear is be Emilie. Be Emilie. Be Emilie.
I have to be strong like Emilie.
And she was strong. She is a survivor with the same disease as me. In a sense.
Is that my key?
Won't someone give me the key...
I just want the key...why is that so hard?

Just give me the key....please...

Not you
Not them
Not him
Not we...

Just me

Suicidal Bliss

Have any of you ever thought about commiting suicide? It's not a pleasant thought. It's not a pleasant place to be if you are feeling that low. Well, I am feeling that low. No, I am not going to attempt suicide (again). I'm just merely saying that I need help. It's okay. I am getting it. Soon. I think. I am strong enough to find ways around this horrendous action.

I just feel very low on the ladder here. Like, it feels like I once ruled the world. I had everything under control. I was someone special. I became someone special. Once.

Once upon a time.

Not this life. No.

Here I am once of a million people trying to be unique and make it in this world. I could be anything I want to be, they say. Of course I can.

...LIES....

Not when you're like me. Never. It won't happen for me. I am supposed to be a shadow. It's what I've been for centuries. Just something left over from the past. My soul is ancient and you know what? I am so exhausted from living that I would really just love to go home and STAY home now.

Anyone know where I can catch the next train to Home? Plane? Bus?....Elevator?

I've lost hope.
I've lost a lot. In this life. And in others. Will there be more? Am I destined to come back? Because I will kill myself next time. I will succeed then. And I will find something to hold on to for dear...death and make sure I never have to come back to this wretched, dying earth every again.

Sound depressing enough yet? Try living in my head and pretending to be optimistic for the sake of what's left of your sanity and for those around you. It's exhausting and I have no where else to release this negative energy. Except for in a vial of poison. But where would I get one of those........

Moving on.

I wish it was Halloween. If my plans are messed up..I will die a little more inside than I already am...if that is possible.

Happy Almost Halloween.

I am out for now. I know I didn't explain anything. No reasons why I feel this way, no updates. This just is. Take it however you want.

Just don't judge me

My heart beat stumbles and my back bone crumbles...

The room was dark. No matter how many times the three of us came here, it was still the best spot to hang out. It felt like ours. We were always one of the first people to arrive. There wasn't much chatter and the music had a good beat.

He never danced with us, no matter how much we tried, so we danced together. I was glad to have them in my life. Nothing...no one else could ever replace them. I could try drinking, smoking, moving on, buying tons of things and I know that nothing would ever take their place. In my heart I knew that I would die for them without hesitation. Finding people like that is hard.

I already knew that about him. I knew from the moment I met him I knew I would die for him. He has so much hidden talent. A good soul. Dark, maybe, but he's still a good soul. I've lost him before. And now that he's back in my life (and not floating around the edges of it) I can see how much of a void his absence had left in my life. See? Only he could have filled it. NOTHING could ever replace him.

And her? I don't really know what drew me to her side. I thought it was guilt but you know? That whole thing wasn't really my fault. I didn't know she was in the picture. Granted it still wouldn't have given us a reason to be friends. We should hate each other. Yeah, I guess it gets awkward sometimes but compared to our friendship the awkward is undetectable on our radar. She's...her. Dark, but lively. We live in a world of contradictions. It is our world.

Tonight was different. We didn't have our awesome bodyguard with us. It was usually the three of us and him, but he was home with his girlfriend and she didn't feel like coming here, even though he came in underage with us.

After much begging and pleading for him to come up with us and dance we gave up and left to dance to our song. I was feeding off of the energy beating through the speakers, radiating off of her. I WAS ALIVE. We laughed and he watched. The room dimmed, but I didn't notice. Pain radiated from my head, but I ignored it. I felt a searing pain in my side, but I was too lost in the music.

I felt commanded to freeze. I stopped and stared at the door, waiting to see what was causing my sudden unease. I turned back to her, frowning.

"What?" She asked. She'd seen that expression on my face before. She stopped and stared at him. He felt it too. I motioned for him to follow us. He didn't move. We both walked over to him instead. She sat next to him, talking to him. I couldn't hear her over the beating music. We needed to leave, quickly. Why weren't they listening to me??

"Hey babe." A hand landed around my shoulder and gripped me tightly. I jumped a mile in the air. I turned to face the one person none of us wanted to see here. The one person who was supposed to stay away from. The one person I was protecting them from. I looked at him and he didn't look like him at all. I could feel the same pressure around me as I had that one night he told me I was a seer.

"What the hell are you doing here?"
"Why the hell are you with them" he said. I could see fire in his eyes, but he remained calm.
"We just finished practice." I said.
"I thought you didn't like them." He cocked his head to the side at me. "So your the people who've been taking my time with her from me. All the more reason for me to hate you." He didn't sound like him. It didn't feel like him. No...it was the shapeless energy I'd felt three weeks before. I tried to tell them to run with my eyes. But where would they go? If I was correct, he would have the power to stop them from even standing back up.

He went for them and without hesitation I threw him back.
Yes, that's right. I threw HIM back. She stared at me, but I wasn't me anymore. I was something else. I was scared, but uncontrollable.

I took my own vow.
To protect them.
To love them forever, whether my heart was made for it or not.
To trust them.
To need them.
To keep them alive.

I wasn't going to let someone take that away from me again.

At least this time it wasn't within our group. No, it was someone outside of our world.
Or was it.
They find the weakest points.
They overtook B years ago. They drove us apart. But we found the missing link. We Found Her.
Could they break us now?

Or was I the weak one now. Was I one of them?
This was my chance to find out.

I stood in front of them. I felt needles sting my fingers. I tasted blood in my mouth. I knew then I wasn't human. I was something else. But if I was one of my own demons that didn't make me weak. That didn't mean I wouldn't go back on my promises.

I would save them.

We fought, clawing, scratching, screaming, bleeding...dying in front of everyone. Some didn't notice. Only they could see. He drew out a dagger, ready to slice into my heart, but he missed, instead it went into my shoulder. Wincing I drew it to use against him.

With my hand to his throat and my left arm raised to kill he stopped me, but didn't move to attack. He grabbed my neck, holding me back.

"If you kill me, we both die."
I didn't answer. My soul did.
"Then let us both die."
"You want to stay to protect them. What are they worth to you? You won't die for them, even if you'll fight for them you won't die."
"Fuck you." I knocked his hand away from me turned away for a moment to look at them. The looked back at me with horror. That voice wasn't mine I knew. It was a chorus of them all. All the souls locked inside of me. I swung back and stabbed him with his own blade.

And the force left him falling to the floor. He was fine, asleep, eyes closed, but the energy was dead. I'd killed it. I'd saved them. Things around us began to move again.

We left. They clung to me.

Yes...guys I'm fine.
I'm fine...

But I wasn't. I collapsed, broken and bleeding into their arms.

And then I woke up.

And with everything that's happened lately...

THAT DREAM SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF ME

And Violet knows why...

Just me

Unbreakable

I really kind of hate that word. The more I see that word used, the more I realize how much it SUCKS. I mean, sure if you have an UNBREAKABLE iPod that'd be pretty sweet, but the problem is things are supposed to break.

Unbreakable things hold you down. They remain...forever. Promises are unbreakable. When they break they hurt someone. They let people down. To say something is unbreakable is a lie. And lies are unforgivable. Yet necessary? Life is making no more sense than it used to.

Actually I used to think I had it figured out. It was easy to tell things apart.

I knew what love meant.
I knew what it was to hate.
I knew what it was to make a promise.
I knew I didn't have to worry about knowing who I was...because I was me. Just me.
I never had to analyze myself.
I knew who I was.
What I was...
I never questioned myself.
I knew what I wanted
What I needed
Who I loved
Who I hated...

What the hell does loving someone mean? There are so many levels. In betweens. Friendships...more than that, less than that. Levels of caring about people that mean something. There's Love, love, luv, in love, falling in love, falling out of love

What is hate? Why do we hate people. There's reasons for some...then there are those we just...hate the minute we see them. Hate as a joke. Hate for a moment, love the next. Hate in anger...hate in yourself. So many levels for this too. Intertwining with all the other levels of other emotions.

I make promises and then I feel like I'm chained to them. They mean the world to me but nothing to some. The word is almost meaningless.

Now I don't know who I am. What I am. What it means to be me...what do I love? What do I hate? Do I even have a sense of feeling? Do I hold emotion anymore? I know I once did. What about now?

Do I just think I do?
Did I ever really know? I think I did. I know I did. Somewhere along the way I lost what it was to be me. I've attempted to reinvent myself so many times.
Did I bring this on myself?

Do I care?

Why am I not breaking?? I just stand here and take shit. Nope, there is no way in hell you're going to break me. You can try all you want, but it's not happening.

Sure I'll freak out.
Sure I may cry at night.
But I. Can't. Fall.
Or break.

THANK YOU PRIDE.
I'm thinking in fragments. Sorry if I seem a bit scattered. It's like I've lost my writer's touch. This is a major problem. Without my writing...I have nothing left of me to show. I'm just an empty shell of who I used to be. I don't think I can go back to being her. She was a little too weak for my taste...

Maybe I need the weakness back. I was just told by a nurse at the ER the other day that I'm too much of a fighter for my own good. Not a physical fighter, but mentally. Emotionally.

Yeah, really don't know about that, but I guess it's true in some ways. I have 19 layers of defense in my mind. Try getting through that wall.

I am truly unbreakable.

Unless I break myself.
Of course, how would one go about doing that when one is not accountable for all their actions because their brain has minds of its own?

And GEEZUS I wish this headache would let up. I can't seem to get rid of it. I've slept for most of the day because it got so bad I passed out. I really should go to the ER for these...I know I know I really should, but you don't get it. Hospitals terrify me. The thought of being completely helpless, tied to machines and all the WHITE everywhere! And death...and oh God I don't want to think about it. It just...creeps me out.

Yet I'm okay to sit in graveyards...?

I'm an odd one. I don't even get me.

I could know everything there is to know about everything and I still wouldn't get me. I guess there are things in life we are never meant to understand. When I'm not thinking about it, it doesn't bother me. I just have way too much time to think right now.

I know things I wish I didn't.
I don't know the things I wish I did.

Why? If it wasn't for you, I might not be like this...
Can I blame you? You weak minded, two faced, mother fucker. God I wish I'd never met you. I can run forever and I can start over a million times but never ever ever will I escape that feeling. That memory. That EVERYTHING. It's who I am now. What the fuck did you do?

Is this the reason I cry in my sleep but refuse to shed tears when I'm awake? Well, I can't even cry unconsciously anymore. There's nothing left inside. Of course I have nothing left. You can't feel anything when you've numbed yourself forever.

So many things I need to know but never want to hear. I wish I could read hearts. Not minds. Minds lie. Hearts don't lie. Mine might...but I'm special.

Was any of this ever real?

Remember how it all began
The apple and the fall of man
The price we paid
So the people say
Down the path of shame and let us dare
To bite the hand that fed us
Fairy tale, the moral end
Wheel of fortune, never turns again
Never turns again
The worst of it has come and gone
In the chaos of millennium
And the falling out
Of the doomsday crowd
Their last retreat is moving slow
They burn their bridges as they go
The heretic is beautified
Teach the harlot's child to smile
Rocked again by indecision
Should we make that small incision
Testify, to the bleeding heart inside
We cut, we scratched
We ran, and we slashed
And when he opened up at last
Found a cul de sac
Deepened black
Of smoke and ash
Deepened black
Smoke and ash
The wicked king of parody
Is kissing all his enemies
On the seventh day
On the seventh week
The tyrant's voice has softened now
But just for one forgiving hour
Before the rise of his
Iron fist again
Fist again
I've come tonight
I've come to know
The way we are the way we'll go
And to measure this
The width of the wide abyss
I've come to you in restless sleep
Were all your dreams turned bitter sweet
With voodoo doll philosophies
Day gloy holy trinities
The wicked raft that leaves the shore
Of ferries drunken souls a board
Pilgrims march to Compostela
Of visions of their saint in yellow
Follow deep in trance
Lost in a catatonic dance
Know no future
Damn the past
Blind war, ecstatic
To save their lives

Rawr my head is going to implode
(that wasn't my work by the way although I wish it was)

.....I feel like shit.....
I can't believe...
I just can't wrap my mind around...

Favorite book quote of the day: "If you don't remember something does that mean that it didn't happen?" (Skinned)

Well, no it doesn't but you can always pretend it didn't.

You know...I've come to realize that I am a mess inside. A very fucked up, confused, spinning, burning, hating, mess inside.

And I blame people and their BULLSHIT.

Take a look at my body
Look at my hands
There's so much here that I don't understand
Your face say these promises
Whispered like prayers
I don't need them
Because I've been treated so wrong
I've been treated so long
As if I'm becoming untouchable
Well, content loves the silence
It thrives in the dark
With fine winding tendrils
That strangle the heart
They say that promises sweeten the blow
But I don't need them, no
I don't need them
I've been treated so wrong
I've been treated so long
As if I'm becoming untouchable
I'm the slow dying flower
In the frost killing hour
Sweet turning sour and untouchable
Oh, I need the darkness
The sweetness
The sadness
The weakness
Oh, I need this
I need a lullaby
A kiss good night
Angel sweet love of my life
Oh, I need this
I'm the slow dying flower
In the frost killing hour
Sweet turning sour and untouchable
Do you remember the way that you touched me before
All the trembling sweetness I loved and adored
Your face saving promises whispered like prayers
I don't need them
Oh, I need the darkness
The sweetness
The sadness
The weakness
Oh, I need this
I need a lullaby
A kiss good night
Angel sweet love of my life
Oh, I need this
Well is it dark enough
Can you see me
Do you want me
Can you reach me
Oh, I'm leaving
You better shut your mouth
And hold your breath
And kiss me now
And catch your death
Oh, I mean this
Oh, I mean this

I guess this is getting really long...with the quotes and the lyrics and the babbling...I'll stop for now.

I had no point to this. It was just an attempt to break the "writer's block" or whatever this is...
I just barely scratched the surface but I think I'm getting somewhere...

Just me