Why are the rest of us encased in ice?

To explain the title; I apparently talk in my sleep. And text. And I can hold full conversations. The title is just one of the many strangely haunting things that I've uttered in my sleep. As important as it may be that I talk in my sleep I have a more important thing to discuss.

Here's my issue. When I meet people, some of them stand out more so than others. Sounds similar to you? Well, it's not. With me it's different. I see flashes of the past. I see times that I was alive before I was born. I get feelings of superiority. I know I was different. And sometimes there are people that I meet that I know that I've met them and had relations with them in another life. I've met a few people like this. Violet and Harry being among the most important. (Hence why I can never seem to get rid of them.)

And then He came along.

He is my perfect opponent. My male counterpart. We are the same. Yet, I feel we were made to be on opposing sides. I may have fallen, but I am the light to his darkness. I have some love and hope left in my soul where for him it's been replaced with hate and loneliness. When I met him I felt it the instant I walked into the same room as him. And the first moment that we made eye contact, a fire ignited inside my soul that I still do not fully understand. There is a pull towards him. But to do what? Is this a strange, untold form of love? Is it an undeniable attraction through lust and hate? If I got him all to myself would kill each other mercilessly? Would we stand together and fight? I couldn't tell you.

I have kept most people in the dark about my thoughts and my feelings towards He. Including Violet and Harry. Including others who are closer to me than most. I'll let slip a little how I'm feeling but this is like walking on eggshells. Every word out of my mouth, every action I make is carefully calculated. Including the start of this new beginning. Everything I did the other night (and many nights before) was based off of careful calculations. I weighed my options. Considered every outcome. Every consequence. I have sacrificed a lot and almost lost more than I was willing to for He in this life and in lives before. I am prepared to face whatever trials shall come.

Now before I go further, keep in mind I am not human. Your petty morals mean nothing to me. Your judgmental reactions to the rest of this story will have no effect on me whatsoever. And they will not taint the memories I have locked inside.

Anyway, here it goes

The first of the coldest nights and the newest of days of fourteen:

I waited for him in the crisp air of the night, singing to myself. Waiting, ever so patiently. It was dark and lonely under the stars. I attempted to warm my hands, failed and lit a cigarette instead. The cold was as sharp and immobilizing as venom.

He rode up in a black carriage drawn by a single silver horse. He beckoned for me to join him. He was clad in black and heavily, yet discreetly, armed. My mind flashed back to a time before this night when he had explained his line of work aside from being a blacksmith's apprentice. He was an assassin and from what I could tell he wasn't always ones for following the rules. In fact, we were both breaking the rules tonight, but I didn't care anymore. It was definitely possible for him to kill me tonight, yet I was at ease.

"Where are we going?" I whispered. He just looked at me and made a gesture to direct the horse. After a few moments he began to sing. I remained still, listening. I knew that this was either my last night alive or one of my last nights with him. I was prepared to accept either outcome and every moment had to count.

We pulled up to an Inn. I remained in the carriage as He checked to see if there was a private, quiet room for us to discuss what needed to be discussed. As it was improper for a lady to be seen with a strange man that she was neither betrothed or related to, He declined the offer for them to take his horse to the stable to be fed and rested. He pulled the carriage into the stable himself and helped me into the room without being seen. A bottle of rum and two glasses rested on the small table underneath the window. I stood off to the side as he busied himself around the room, closing the curtains, lighting a fire, fixing the bedding, and taking off his shoes. He then turned to me and we stood there staring at each other. He shrugged and sat down on the bed.

"Are you going to stand there all night or are you going to join me?" He cracked open the bottle and poured us drinks. I sat down next to him on the other side of the bed. He sighed.

"What's wrong?"
"Nothing. I needed this. You did, too. I'm content."

I smiled and then hugged him tight. I could feel him relax and smile.

"I'm going to say something really stupid." I waited for him to continue, "I miss you".

I half-smiled in reply, but frowned. "Why is that stupid?"
"Because I never have time. Because I don't see you much."
"So? I miss you, too." I buried myself in his chest.

Home is behind
The world ahead
And there are many paths to tread

Hours of us talking and laughing after centuries of strife and loneliness and there we were, stuck in the middle, frozen in one moment of time completely content.We lay like that for a while, just listening to each other breathe. I was safe but still I waited for a blade dripping with poison to pierce my flesh. Or the sound of a bullet as it passed through my head. The smell of gun powder. Or of metal. Of blood. But the fear of the rising darkness as the silence falls, the pain never came. Instead, He played with my hair. He caressed my face. He pulled me close to him and put his lips on mine. He tasted like ash and smoke. Like the night. Like fire. Like poison.

He couldn't take it. I couldn't take it. Love, trust and hate and lust and centuries of history collided in a frenzy of needing to remember the other before time wasted us away. We didn't want to remember the war going on around us and in our heads. We wanted to memorize each other. This one moment. Sweat and tears mixed with drunken words and half formed thoughts. Ideas about what we were. What we needed to do. Needy I love you's and Hungry I love you too's.

Through shadow
To the edge of night
Until the stars are all aligned

Where we were felt right against all odds. He was familiar to me as I was to him. Together we were dangerous. The fire and fight inside my soul clashing with the wilderness and venom inside of his soul was enough to destroy everything around us. He smelled of everything familiar. The touch of his skin was too much. I felt sick. My stomach churned rejecting his bittersweet, poisonous words and actions. Rejecting the idea that we could never and would never be. I buried myself in the sheets.

"Are you all right, dear?"
"Yes, fine...fine...of course."
"Are you sure, love?"
"Yes...no...no I'm not fine." I stood and almost immediately vomited in the waste basket. He watched me curiously.
"All better now?" I nodded, "Come back with me. Just rest." He took me in his arms and I closed my eyes and listened to his heartbeat. It couldn't have been six hours yet. No...our time was coming to a close.

Mist and shadow
Cloud and shade
All shall fade

I awoke to him kissing me and telling me to get dressed. It was time to return to our respective places. He gave me a sad look as he put his boots back on. He called for the carriage and helped me back inside the dark void. He sat next to me and told me I wouldn't see him for a few months this time. He was travelling far away so he wouldn't have to take a contract.

We got back to my place under the stars.
"You don't want to leave do you?"
"I never do." I whispered, "But I will."
He kissed me and whispered, " I love you."

I got out of the carriage, and said goodbye to the silver horse, tracing the golden cross on the reins. I walked back to him and kissed him on the forehead. "Be careful. I'll see you soon, love. This is goodnight. Not goodbye."

....I love you, too....

All shall fade


Just me

The Day I Die will be the Day I fulfill my purpose in life

I once made the biggest mistake of my life. It happened about a year ago, when I sat back and let my douche bag boyfriend pack up my entire room and take it to his house. Without question, I followed my most prized possessions (carried in the hands of someone I internally despised) and landed in a dismal room that I had to share with his down syndrome older brother and a giant monkey that was pasted on as a sorry excuse for wall paper.

Sharing this room meant that every Wednesday and every other weekend I had to sleep on the cat fur infested couch (to which I was highly allergic). Obviously, one is going to break under the pressure of discomfort, loneliness and neglect. Not to mention, soon after I moved in to this deceivingly homey hell hole, I got fired from my job. Money was tight and even though I was able to land myself another job the same day, I was desperate.

I wound up seeking help in someone I had originally done everything in my power to avoid in high school. He gave me a place to sleep when I was upset and couldn't stand being around my boyfriend (who continuously humiliated, used and ignored me). He gave me money. He did everything in his power to get me back on my feet...

Only to eventually knock me into a wall.

Let me back track: I had made an agreement with this guy that we would NOT fall in love with each other. We were strictly friends. Of course, that didn't go over very well and jealousy and rage consumed him. I was in a tight spot. I needed money, I wanted my possessions, I didn't want to lose or hurt anyone and he was threatening me trying to get me to be his one and only.

All while this was happening, Violet was pregnant and I was worried about that.

Then D came into the picture, or rather he came BACK into the picture. he had tried to convince me to date him before but I had ignored his warnings and his helping hand. But now, his calm words, and gentle touch and loving demeanor was exactly what I had been searching for. It was my safe place, my comfort...he was everything I had ever needed.

Eventually, I moved slowly back into my mother's house, left douche bag and was dropped by the other guy. I got a job at a cafe, got sexually harassed and left all while holding down my steady job at the other place.

Well, today I was shown how all of that hard repetitive work, that drove me so insane was a waste of fucking time. After all the moving to a new location, wanting to leave, staying through it all, watching my friends quit and get fired over nothing, I stayed. Today it was my turn. A camera caught me at a wrong angle and even though it was something I have done for nearly a year (putting my cell phone and other items into a bag to carry out), putting things to hold for myself on the employee hold and clocking out they still terminated my employment for THEFT. Like, really? If I wanted to steal something would I really have done it right under a camera?

After trying to deny the accusation, I got yelled at and told I was being uncooperative. If I didn't admit to the crime (which I didn't commit one, even though it looked weird on the cameras despite the fact that it was a daily habit) then they would call the cops and it would be a huge scene. So...I lied and told them yeah, I guess I did. It was 20$ bucks worth.

All that time...all that energy and for what?

I'm back to being a replaceable human. My purpose in life is nothing large. This world is CHOKING.

Also, I OWE FIFTY FIVE dollars to my township for LIVING THERE. I have to pay to walk on the fucking ground now? This economy...this world is full of shit! The day I die will be the day I fulfill my purpose in life. We are all bound and chained.

And me? I'm not only bound by my existence...I'm bound by those inside my head as well. Should I pay taxes for them?

I need to write now. I need to pour every ounce of myself into something BIG. I am going to fight this. Whatever THIS is....

I hate my life. I hate being me.

Can't. Stop. Seeing. Things.

I keep having dreams with them in it. Acting like we used to. (After talking shit out first) and it's idealized. What we wanted it to be. What it couldn't have been. Of course, I understand that what I did...I had to. No I don't want to be with him. He was just a pawn in my plan. Something that I have to keep up.

Things were just getting to be too much. And I knew...I knew how things were going to play out. I tried desperately to make things fair. I failed drastically. It haunts my every thought. Every word out of my mouth. Yeah, I bet it's what they wished for when I left. For me to be incredibly miserable without them. I feel as though they died.

What bothers me is the last time I looked into her eyes. I knew what I was going to do. I hesitated. But I did it anyway, knowing that I wouldn't find the strength ever again. But I can't even remember the last time I saw him...what the hell. Who was I then, that I wouldn't remember.

I loved them. I did. I tried. But I knew I wasn't making them happy. And I knew that I couldn't make them happy if I wanted to be myself and happy at the same time. Something inside just told me to let go. So I did.

What they don't know is that I'm sick. And I have to be really careful or else I will die.
My head is messed up. And they will never know it. I've got a problem with my brain. That's causing the rest of me to fail.

My body isn't working anymore. The rapid weight loss. The vomiting.

I lied.

It wasn't him that was going to die.

It was me.

I'm sorry I wasn't good enough.
I'm sorry I lied to you.
I'm sorry I never told you what was really wrong...

I just didn't want to hurt you.
I wanted you to hate me instead.

Maybe then you wouldn't miss me if this killed me.

And the sad part is...this isn't a personalities wishful thinking.
For once...this is reality....


Will you ever see this?
I don't know.
And I can't care anymore.

Gits and Geezers, Hags and Bitches...I mean Witches

What is with the human race lately? I mean really?!

Incident 1: The Witch

Violet and I were outside of this costume shop when the woman who lived next door (not the owner FYI) came outside and asked us if we needed help. We said that we were just waiting for the store to open up, becuase it's a really neat store and we had driven ALL the way over there. Granted it was an hour and a half wait before the store would open but I didn't have the gas or the money to drive back towards home and then back to the store.
"We're waiting to go into the shop," we said.
"The shop doesn't open until 12."
"We know. We don't mind waiting :) "
Her response?? "You guys are going to sit out here for three fucking hours??" We just stared at her in utter shock. Like....WHAT THE FUCK?!

Incident 2: The Foreigner

Violet and I (with a friend and her daughter) went to Dunkin Donuts and the man was EXTREMELY rude. I would tell you what he said...if we had actually completely understood him. His gestures were enough. Basically Violet was in a rage over it. There was no calming her.

Incident 3: The Surveyers

Violet and I always go the a certain mall to take surveys. Sometimes for these surveys you get a couple bucks, coupons or something of the like. When asked a certain question that we hadn't figured out yet (and we said so accordingly) the other woman behind the cubical shouted "THEY'RE LYING TO YOU. WHY WOULD YOU LET THEM LIE TO YOU? That girl ALWAYS fucking lies. I hate that bitch. I want to punch her in the face." Speaking of Violet....let's just say that didn't go over very well for either of us. I went back in ready to blow someone's head off. Who treats their customers like that????

Incident 4: The Burger King version of Angels and Demons

This JUST IN: Again, the two of us were going into Burger King and as usual we are VERY low on money. We hardly had enough to get food. When Violet couldn't get a drink she asked for a small complimentary cup and attempted to fill it with soda yet got yelled at for using the it for soda not water. Then we asked a couple people around the restaurant if they had one dollar to spare. The two men she first asked glared at her and made a nice little scene that came out of Mean Girls. Pussies.

At least the men behind them gave her seven dollars. Two for a drink and when she wrote them a quick little poem they were really appreciative and gvae her five more dollars. The guys taht said no were talking about us to this other guy who later came up and started quoting poetry from his head. And is continuing still. It's amazing.

The longer I listen I want to record it. He never writes them down he says.

I would like to write now. Like Edgar Allen Poe. That's almost what he sounds like.

<3 That's all for now

<3 <3 I love you <3 <3

Emilie Autumn's Key

Forget Lady Gaga. I want to be Emilie Autumn for Halloween.
And I was. I think I pulled it off pretty well. Even got to take a little trip to the loony bin myself this weekend too. It's fascinating. (Not). Being mentally evaluated and tested to see if yo uare a danger to yourself or others and whether or not you qualify for a padden room or get to stay home is hard enough without coming home to have a fight with your boyfriend about moving in with him or not AFTER fighting with your mom over absolutely nothing.

Maybe that padded room would have been better. Sometimes I wonder why I bother making descisions. I always want to opposite of what I choose in the end anyway. Why do people insist on making me choose. Don't give me a choice. But then I would fight for a choice.

Do I stay, curled up in a ball, crying my eyes out, scared to show I was crying, scared to stand up for myself to those cruel words? Do I stay in a place that I know I will eventually never be able to leave if I wait too long? Do I remain abiding to the limits and control that are inflicted upon me?

Or do I take a risk, even though I have really no other option left open to me? Do I become Emily (with a Y) and run for my life with nothing but a fine gown and a key. Should I, too, draw hearts on my face to remind me of what has been? Do I leave everything behind? Can I escape these walls?

Do I run to him is the real question.
I have so little faith in myself, let alone other people. Including those I pretend are everything to me. No one is everything to me. I always have my feet on my own foundation. It's not the strongest, but I trust my feeble floating dock to illusions of marble walls of friends. I'd rather drown then get trapped behind walls.

But I've always been trapped.
How do I know what freedom is, if I've never tasted it?

That padded room is starting to sound more appropriate.
I just don't like get shots of liquid zanex...
I'd be getting that a lot if that's what they do every time someone has a panick atttack.

I'm not crazy. I'm hopeless. People do desperate things when hopeless.

Help?

I don't know what I need.

All I can hear is be Emilie. Be Emilie. Be Emilie.
I have to be strong like Emilie.
And she was strong. She is a survivor with the same disease as me. In a sense.
Is that my key?
Won't someone give me the key...
I just want the key...why is that so hard?

Just give me the key....please...

Not you
Not them
Not him
Not we...

Just me

Suicidal Bliss

Have any of you ever thought about commiting suicide? It's not a pleasant thought. It's not a pleasant place to be if you are feeling that low. Well, I am feeling that low. No, I am not going to attempt suicide (again). I'm just merely saying that I need help. It's okay. I am getting it. Soon. I think. I am strong enough to find ways around this horrendous action.

I just feel very low on the ladder here. Like, it feels like I once ruled the world. I had everything under control. I was someone special. I became someone special. Once.

Once upon a time.

Not this life. No.

Here I am once of a million people trying to be unique and make it in this world. I could be anything I want to be, they say. Of course I can.

...LIES....

Not when you're like me. Never. It won't happen for me. I am supposed to be a shadow. It's what I've been for centuries. Just something left over from the past. My soul is ancient and you know what? I am so exhausted from living that I would really just love to go home and STAY home now.

Anyone know where I can catch the next train to Home? Plane? Bus?....Elevator?

I've lost hope.
I've lost a lot. In this life. And in others. Will there be more? Am I destined to come back? Because I will kill myself next time. I will succeed then. And I will find something to hold on to for dear...death and make sure I never have to come back to this wretched, dying earth every again.

Sound depressing enough yet? Try living in my head and pretending to be optimistic for the sake of what's left of your sanity and for those around you. It's exhausting and I have no where else to release this negative energy. Except for in a vial of poison. But where would I get one of those........

Moving on.

I wish it was Halloween. If my plans are messed up..I will die a little more inside than I already am...if that is possible.

Happy Almost Halloween.

I am out for now. I know I didn't explain anything. No reasons why I feel this way, no updates. This just is. Take it however you want.

Just don't judge me